Dying for modesty

Most security experts agree: if full-body scanners had been in use in the airports that were used by Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, the terrorist who tried to blow up the American Airlines jet last week, the explosive devise strapped to his body would probably have been detected. Whether or not such devices would have been in place yet is a valid question, but it's undeniably true that the implementation of these scanners has been stymied and delayed by concerns over modesty (and Big Brother paranoia).

The scanners "look through clothing!" Well, duh. That's how you find something hidden under clothes. And all the scanners reveal is the shape of a person's body.

We try so hard, with clothing, to mask the true shape of ourselves. Have a bit of a belly? Hide it under loose-fitting clothing. Breasts a little saggy? Cantilever them into place with a supporting bra! Got a big butt? Tuck it in with tight undergarments.

But really, only the first of these three secrets would be revealed by a body scanner. The only thing you can see with the scanner than you can't see with -- pardon the pun -- the naked eye is an unbroken outline of the body. That, and any bombs or weapons you might have strapped to it.

O.K., you can see a person's butt crack. Does anyone deny that we all have one? Isn't it worth it if there's a pistol next to it? Maybe you can see, vaguely, the shape of a person's genitals. But do you really think that an airline security person, after viewing 10,000 grainy, blurry images of a man's penis or a woman's pudenda, wouldn't be too terminally bored to get excited by the sight of one more? If it were me, I'd be far more interested in whatever that odd package is hanging next to the routine Nigerian penis. That's exactly as it should be, and if that were the man with a ticket to the seat next to me, I'd walk through the scanner gladly, even stand next to him in the scanner so the security personnel had a good look at what normal looks like. Heck, I'd gladly even drop trou if that's what it took.

The security guard will forget your hidden body girdle, your short penis, your cesearean scar (if those show up) in half a second flat. That's a pretty painless price to pay to keep from getting blown up at 10,000 feet.

Top Odd Sex Stories of the Year

I enjoyed reaching through MSNBC's list of "2009's weirdest stories." There were several that I'd completely missed, others that I've already commented on (like oral sex by bats).

For what it's worth, here's my own list of 2009's top sex and nudity related stories:

1. Man paid to impregnate neighbor's wife fails 72 times
2. Frank coverage of breast exams airs on American TV
3. Bra doubles as a gas mask
4. 20% of teens engage in "sexting"
5. "Nude Mona Lisa" surfaces
6. Man loses pants on ski lift
7. Teen auctions off her virginity
8. Woman gives husband 365 days of sex
9. Man dies after consumating viagra-fueled sex orgy
10. Man hires a prostitute for his son's 14th birthday

Enjoy!

Quote of the day

"I like me better naked. I don't mean that in a vain way ... When you put clothes on, you immediately put a character on. Clothes are adjectives, they are indicators. When you don't have any clothes on, it's just you, raw, and you can't hide."

- Padma Lakshmi

You go, girl. It's nice to see a celebrity who has a healthy attitude about her body!

It's not the first time she's gone nude for a photo shoot, either. More here, here, and here.

Woman edges out horse for top female athlete of the year

If you're looking for evidence that women still aren't afforded the respect they deserve, you don't have to look much further than this year's Associated Press list of the top female athletes of the year. Number one is Serena Williams. Number two is a horse. So is number seven.

Horse trainier Bob Baffert says it's deserved. "It's for doing something extraordinary and spectacular and these horses did that and deserve the recognition," Baffert says. "They're about half human, anyway."

All right. The horses had a good year. But the AP couldn't find ten deserving female human athletes? All ten of the top male athletes were humans. (Tiger Woods is the top athlete of the decade; the question of what percentage human and what percentage animal he is has yet to be resolved.)

Feminists, understandably, are offended. Says Marjorie O'Connor, an Olympic torch bearer: "It has absolutely no reference to the women athletes that have done so much to contribute to athleticism and as role models for young girls. It's a slap in the face."

It's time to recognize that female athletes are just as deserving of respect as male athletes. It's hard to believe, as we near the second decade of the 21st century, that we need to be reminded of that.

Bikini-less Baristas redux

Didn't I suggest this two and a half months ago? KIRO 97.3 commentator Phil the News Junkie makes the point in his blog (as pointed out to him by a listener) that requiring some of the racier "bikini baristas" to apply for adult entertainment licenses just opens the doors for even more, shall we say, titillating behavior. Once you have an adult entertainment permit, why not do away with the pasties all together? Why not topless baristas, or naked baristas?

Frankly, I haven't stopped at a "bikini barista" shop yet because, ho hum, what's so special about a gal in a bikini? Sure, maybe she's hot, but the coffee's probably terrible and overpriced. And maybe she'll show me her boobs, or maybe I'll just get stiffed. But show me some guaranteed skin, and I'm there with a smile on my face.

Woman loses sick leave for having fun

Now here's one for the "news of the weird." A woman in Canada is diagnosed with major depression. Her doctor says take some time off, relax, get your head on straight, have some fun. So she does, and like anyone nowadays, she posts some pictures on her Facebook page.

Woops! Now her insurance company says she can't receive benefits any more, because the fact that she's smiling in her photos means she isn't depressed any more.

They could be right, of course. But it seems to me that getting a doctor's opinion would be a better route than assuming she's cured because she's smiling in a few photos.

Should she stop posting pictures to her Facebook page because she's depressed? Should she stop smiling--ever--just in case someone sees it and thinks she's cured? Should she post only the photos that show her scowling?

People post photos, and they tend to post the ones that are flattering. Besides, you don't advertise to the world how miserable you are, because it's unpleasant and no one gives a shit.

Seems to me she was following her doctor's advice pretty well, and making some progress toward resocializing. She even went to see the Chippendales. That sounds like one of her girlfriends' ideas: you're depressed? Let's take you to see some buff guys get their clothes off! Heck, if possible, let's get you laid! (No pictures of that, apparently.) She was probably starting to relax a bit.

Till her asshole insurance agent decided to play amateur psychiatrist.

The right to bare laundry

Hard to believe, but America's body-phobic society has now devolved to the point where it's indecent to hang one's... unmentionables on a public clothes line.

To be fair, it's also about making sure the neighborhood doesn't "look like trailer trash." But that's a pretty egocentric point of view, don't you think? Assuming that using a clothesline is indicative of "trailer trash" status is, frankly, ignorant. There are so many reasons for keeping the dryer turned off. Many poor people who don't have clothes dryers hang their clothes out of poverty, not backwardness. I know many people who hang their clothes because they prefer the fresh feel of an air-dried shirt over the static-y cling and lint-ish smell of one dried in the dryer. Many of my rural friends do so out of long tradition. And many people nowadays choose a clothes line because it's more economical and environmentally friendly.

But it's the resistance to viewing underwear under that there clothes line that tickles my funny bone. (It's especially ironic that the story has such international import that it's reported in the Tehran Times.) What kind of prudes are we when we're scandalized not only by the exposure of skin but by the layer of clothing next to the skin! Pretty soon they'll be talking about people being "naked" when they're only in their underwear.

Oops... too late.